All the information contained within this blog is intended to be general in nature and should not be used as a substitute for a visit to the doctor. The views expressed in this blog are personal views of the author and are not related or directed towards anyone in particular. Although every effort is made to ensure that the content within this blog is accurate, but it is not official in anyway. Please consult a doctor or health care provider.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Everyday Hero- Doctor treating papa!

For many of you reading my blog, may find it repetitive. But than that's how it had been. For 11 months my routine was same. Nothing new happened. Everyday was long and painful. Time wouldn't just move.

Every single day of my life, I lived in the fear- what if next moment is the moment. I was always in alert mode even in my sleep. Seeing him collapse was not easy, but I kept faith in god. For me my god was the doctor treating papa.

The doctor ( I will refer him as Mr. SSR)  treating my father is one of the nicest man, I know. Such a humble soul. I still remember the last time, papa was in hospital- Mr. SSR came to meet him and he held my dad's face in hand and said - "you will soon get better, then come to meet me".

When papa (at 1:15am, 26 October 2013) left - I messaged him. And he replied almost immediately. I take this platform to thank you. I will always remember your kindness. May you be blessed with best in life.

For me my father meant a world, anyone who had been good to him- will always find me next to him/her anytime - anywhere! they just have say and i will be there.

Love you PAPA! 

Sunday, 26 October 2014

The night it happened......

It was 5:00a.m, Papa woke up. He wanted to have tea. My heart sank. I choked.

I woke  my mother. She made tea.  Papa had half a cup of tea. He looked contended. And went back to sleep. He looked so normal, as if he just woke from fever and now everything will be fine. But I knew...nothing will be fine now...never.

Somebody,  I know once told me - when the day will come, you will know-  It will feel as if everything will be all right. I will notice a strange shine on my father's face. And I don't know why, but I always knew that papa will go on a saturday night. And today was saturday.

My instincts were telling me-the day has arrived. For past two days every time, I tried to take papa's blood pressure and pulse - the machine always showed error.

I went to my home, took shower and was packing my bags when I received a call from my aunt. My aunt informed me that palliative care team( of doctors) visiting papa has arrived and wanted to speak to me. I knew the news was "not good". I took the receiver, and the doctor said( what I din't wanted to hear)..."Your father is half gone, you can call your brother".

I was just stabbed in the heart. And blood was coming through my eyes. I packed my bag and ran down the stairs. My husband followed. I was shaking when I reached my daughter's school. I picked her up hurriedly. 

Back in the car, My husband said, everything will be okay...and I said "today is the day, and I know it". I called my younger brother. He was in office. I said bhai, "Come" and dropped the phone.

I reached home. My aunt told me, today papa had apple juice. After months of not eating or drinking anything, he even had porridge.  Papa was having difficulty in breathing. I decided to get an oxygen cylinder( owing to my Asthma,  I know how it feels when you can't breathe). I got the oxygen cylinder. But, I could see - It was not much of a help. 

It was 7.pm. My younger brother arrived straight from office.  I called papa. He opened his eyes and recognized my younger brother. He smiled at all of us.

Around 9 p.m:  I noticed papa's breathing had become more erratic and irregular. I decided to nebulize him. Papa was restless. I put the mask, and started the machine. Around 11:30p.m,  I held papa's hand and said, I will come in the morning. Papa put all his left strength together and screamed "don't go". And I din't...

I switched off the " Mahamritunjaya Mantra" and asked everyone to sleep. I said, I will sit. Everyone would sleep around papa.  Lights were switched off. And, I took my tablet and started reading. Every two minutes, I would check if papa was still breathing. Papa was extremely restless and was panting heavily.  He was struggling for life and life was moving away....far away!

My father was in deep pain.  But he was trying. He wouldn't give up. I was suffering.  I have to let him go......

At 12:35a.m, papa asked me to remove the mask. He wanted water. I gave him water and said papa, you can go now, I love you....

The time period between the breaths increased...and it kept on increasing...I woke my mother, aunt ...I called for my brothers, husband and uncle....

We all were there when papa took his last breath......1:15am,  26th October 2013!

I Love you, Papa!

A year....

A year of pain....
A year of agony...
A year of loss...
A year of loneliness...
A year without you papa....


(5th October 1942 - Forever.....)

Neither fire nor wind, Neither birth nor death
can erase the goodness you spread....

Missed by
Beti, Chutki beti
Motabhai, Chotubhai
and Ma

Saturday, 25 October 2014

A day before....

25, October 2013

Papa seemed less ill, at least thats what I thought. I was kind of relieved.
My husband was traveling and today he was returning. I told papa - I would be back in few hours. He tried to smile, but couldn't. So he moved his eyes in affirmation. I left.

It was evening. Papa became restless. He was asking for me. I hurried. When I reached, papa was unconscious. I pulled the chair ( my companion for last 11months) next to papa's bed. I waited. But today he din't open his eyes. He din't move. He was sweating heavily. His breathing was loud and sporadic.

By now, It had become a routine to stay awake all night for my very obvious reasons. I called him twice. But he din't respond. I grew anxious. I searched for my mobile. I switched on the torch  to check if he was breathing. Yes! Yes! he was. .......Yes he was!

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, It is about learning to dance in the rain".

Papa was breathing- that was more then enough. Nothing mattered. He was with me was more that I can ask for.  At that moment, the happiness, the relief - I felt, cannot be put into words.

Every five minutes, I would switch on my phone's light to see if papa was still us. The whole night passed. It was 5:10 a.m.  Papa opened his eyes. He wanted tea.....I knew...today was the day!

Love you Papa!

Friday, 24 October 2014

Twilight Saga

24October 2013- Karvachauth!- fast observed for the longevity of the husband. 

Momma had observed this fast for years now. Today also momma kept the fast. She knew. We all knew. Deep inside we all were fearing. Will he or wont he?

Moon showed up. Papa opened his eyes, a little after 9 p.m. He looked around. I was astounded. I called mumma.  Mumma came and fed papa a piece of his favorite sweet. He tried to eat it. But his tongue had become stoned and teeths gave up. He failed!

As the night approached,  papa's condition deteriorated severely. He became restless. His breaths became sparse. He made wheezing like sounds. He started sweating profusely. As the night ended, towards the dawn, papa felt better.  

So karvachauth was celebrated- the last one!

Love you papa!

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Ignited Hopes

Papa was going, I wanted to try - try harder till the magic happens. I was reading extensively- books, websites or whatever I could find. My state of mind- would do anything to stop papa from going away. And then I came across this article about treatment through - Maple syrup and Baking Soda.

A person with stage 4 cancer had healed himself by this treatment . He not only cured himself completely but is now leading a normal and a happy life. My eyes brightened. My hopes were ignited once again.

This was it. The more I read about this treatment, the more convinced I was. This was magic potion that would heal papa. I don’t know how authentic it was, but I wanted papa to have it.  And as it is said, you don’t loose the battle until you give up.

I felt motivated. I was optimistic.

Maple Syrup- Baking Soda Treatment

The idea behind this treatment is maple syrup being sweet, targets cancer cells- which consume 15 times more glucose than normal cells and the baking soda with maple syrup enters into the cancer cells. Baking Soda being very alkaline in nature forces a rapid shift in pH killing the cancer cells. Thereby stopping the growth of cancerous cells and targeting the effected cells helps in healing.

3 portions of Maple Syrup (100%)
I portion of Baking Soda ( Aluminum free only)

To do this, the maple syrup must be heated to make it less viscous. Then the baking soda is added. Stir the mixture for 5 minutes until it is fully dissolved.

The normal recommended dose is 5 – 7 teaspoons per day for cancer patients. But entirely depends upon the patient's health and condition. I started with twice a day. Papa din’t like it, I can tell he hated it. But he kept faith in my faith and would drink it without any fuss or getting angry till he could. As time passed cancer reached his mouth and he couldn't  swallow. 

God had lost his magic wand.So magic didn’t happen….

Happy Diwali Papa!  

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Illuminated Memories

22nd October 2013. Few days left to Diwali, people were busy cleaning and decorating their houses with flowers and colorful lights. Market abuzz with women and children shopping, festivities in the air. Oh! it felt so good- not anymore.

At my home- life had lost its meaning. Everyday was just the same. The sun came up but had no brightness. And then it went down.  Even the air that entered my home had lost its fragrance. The roses that my father had raised with love over the years had started dying as if they knew the known but unsaid.

The room which once was filled with giggling sounds had become so gloomy and dark. The chair which once was forever occupied by papa( and nobody could make papa leave his chair- not even a fight with mom) now became my constant companion. The newspaper for  which I fought everyday with papa now lay unread for days.  The bed, which papa was the first one to leave every morning now became his world. And their, I sat watching papa depart- never to come back.

Rightly is said, it's the circumstances that decide our happiness. Diwali had always been my favorite festival. It always brought so good memories with it. I loved everything about it- the aura, the feel, the mild winters, scent of earthen diyas, sweet smell of flowers and the lights . I love colorful lights. I hate darkness. Every year papa would buy different lighting accessorize and then me and papa would put the lights.

Every evening, I would  switch on the lights and at night papa would switch off the lights. The twinkling of colored lights...I am so fond of it. I would joke, Laxmi ji will not be able to find her way to our home. And papa would say, laxmi ji can come in the morning, let her also sleep she must be tired. ( I miss you papa!)

The sweets, the food- ma and papa made, I was the first one to be served. It felt so good. Papa always said, I looked exactly like my granny(dadi) and my mom was very close to my granny-  I was the special one! And now...... I wait! Where are you papa?

Diwali will never be the same again. 

Without you Papa, celebrations are worthless and happiness is incomplete. 

Love you PAPA!

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Papa and the web

The next morning , the doctors came. I had spoken to her about a node behind papa’s ear. It looked like swelling but papa said it was painful. 

The doctor pricked the needle once, twice, thrice.... Papa screamed in pain. My very strong father was screaming " to stop". My mom could see no more. So she asked to stop.

The doctor said, aunty if we won't check how will we prescribe the medicine. I believe the doctors know before  us- the time has arrived. Then prescribing medicine to a person who is.....

I took my father not for some research. I knew nothing will help. I knew he was going. I just wanted some pain-less moments.

I am sorry papa.

Love you PAPA!

Monday, 20 October 2014

Papa spoke for the last time !

October 2013 -Last year, today papa returned from the hospital for the last time. 

It was 14th October. And its was the 11th month-more then what doctors had predicted. Deep inside, I was fearing for the dreadful.

Papa’s condition was continuously deteriorating. He hadn’t opened his eyes for the last whole week. I grew worried and again, my heart won over my mind. I decided to admit papa to the hospital. Papa had no say. Mom agreed reluctantly. An ambulance was called. Papa was admitted.  He was put on IV immediately-but it was only to make up for the food he din’t have food since Sept. The doctors had already given up. I could do nothing except for praying.

Papa opened his eyes and he spoke to me. After months of waiting- I was so happy. I wanted to talk and talk. But he was too weak to speak. He would take long pauses.  But I was very happy ( and  I can say I was  really happy because I felt something really deep inside). My hopes again brightened- a miracle would happen.

I recorded his voice for the last time. He said, “ I have to go, I will always be around you”. 

Love you, PAPA!

Sunday, 19 October 2014

The Last week

By this time last year, papa never woke up..he just lay in the bed lifeless. I would sit next to him in the hope that he would wake up. But now he never opened his eyes. He never smiled. He never looked at me.The morphine patches kept papa drowsy the whole day.

Every now and then, me and my mother would moisten papa’s dry lips. His pain was unbearable.The pain killers were no help. Allopathy din't help. Homeopathy was not helping. Ayurveda was not helping. Nothing was working. The doctor advised morphine patches. Usually patients are advised to take oral morphine, or through injection.But papa was too weak to  swallow…and injection I din’t want. 

I used to buy these morphine patches from the hospital…I was giving my own father morphine. Yes, the addictive drug- Morphine. It is not a pain killer but keeps the patient drowsy all the time and  he becomes  oblivious to his pain. Papa now was unconscious all time.  I prayed every single moment , that his suffering should end….and I  wished that he fades  …I am sorry papa, what a bad bad baby I have been.

Love you PAPA!

Friday, 17 October 2014

Papa and Me!

Time just flew away, in a week …it will be a year. And I remember, how I counted minutes in the hospital room. A few minutes felt like days….and with a whole year gone by. I missed you everyday papa in everything I did.

Today I am sharing, what it was like to be your daughter….
  • You were my best friend. I could always discuss with you anything and everything
  • You treated me as a princess. You believed in me and my opinion was always counted.
  • Like any teenager, I too had arguments with mumma and you knew just how to handle the 2 women you loved.
  • You knew exactly, what to say and when. You knew where to begin and how to end.
  • You trusted me completely and never questioned any of my decisions and the choices I made.
  • You gave me the freedom to choose and live the choices. But you were there always behind me to support, If ever I may fall.
  • You were always there for me. No matter when and where I was, you was always there.
  • During my growing years, I too had arguments with you, but you always took time to explain and listen.
And lastly, I can say that  I have( you are always my papa) the BEST FATHER…in the whole world

To you PAPA( Lovely Song by Barbara Streisand that exactly conveys my feelings)

God, our Heavenly Father
Oh, God and my father
Who is also in heaven

May the light of this flickering candle
Illuminate the night the way
Your spirit illuminates my soul

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa, can you find me in the night?

Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me, not be frightened?

Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes
Which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved good-bye and closed its doors?

The night is so much darker
The wind is so much colder
The world I see is so much bigger

Now that I'm alone
Papa, please forgive me
Try to understand me
Papa, don't you know I had no choice?

Can you hear me praying?
Anything I'm saying?
Even though the night
Is filled with voices

I remember everything you taught me
Every book I've ever read
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?

The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright

Papa, how I love you
Papa, how I need you
Papa, how I miss you

Love U Papa!

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Roles Reversed

Nothing is worse than hearing that someone you love has CANCER. It's even harder when it's your parent. Like all the children, I grew up thinking that my dad would live forever. It never crossed my mind that one day even he has to go. 

So, when papa was diagnosed with cancer. I was shocked. Suddenly everything around me changed.
He always took good care of me. Now it was my turn. I could cry and sit or put a fight with "big C". I will and I will take good care of papa. At the same time, I needed to help myself to sustain through the treatments.

The doctor said, papa will live at max -9 months(in best scenario) or less. I was determined to make the impossible happen. But before helping papa, I needed to help myself. To ensure that I was ready to take on big C, I had to do something that keeps me positive and motivated. And this is what i did. It helped me. Hope it helps those who are reading.

Bucket list: I made a list of things, papa would like to do depending upon his taste. Like the places he wanted to visit, books he wanted to read, food that he loved to eat. And then, I started working towards to completing the list. 

Being available:I would try my best to be around papa all the time. And when I couldn’t, I was available on phone. I started sleeping with  phone(s) under the pillow. Calling him at random times, just to check that he was with us. I bought another phone, incase the battery betrays me. I din't wanted to take chances.

In sync with the treatment: The first thing that I would ask after meeting the treating doctors,was his phone number ( I still have their phone numbers). I would surf the internet the whole day( thanks to my the tablet) looking for the treatments, emerging symptoms etc. Knowing before hand helped me in delaying the symptoms. I could arrange for the palliative care equipments (like the alpha mattress, wheel chair, nebulizer, oxygen cylinder) in advance. Though they were not much of a help but to some percentage they did provide very little relief.

Nursing help: We all wanted to take care of papa. So nursing was not an issue. Since I would take care of the hospital, treatment, medicine, the home front was take care of by my mom and my elder ( who was the best help and took extremely good care of papa ( I love you my bro)

Note making: I started making notes by asking papa about his condition and keeping an eye on his symptoms and emerging symptoms. It helped me when we visited the doctor. These notes helped me in setting my goals and next to do.

Experience writing: I bought a diary and started writing my experiences. I would ask papa, about something and then note down his response to it. We would discuss some topic everyday. Today i have a treasure of my father’s views, thoughts, advice and guidance with me.

Family: Mine is a very united family, but after papa's CANCER, we became more close. They are my support system. They believed in my decisions, and supported me unconditionally all through and even after papa was gone. Thank you motabhai, chotubhai, momma, my love and above all my angel- thank you for being the most understanding kid.

Motivational Stories : Knowing that you are dying and people you love will be left behind, is very devastating. That's what happened to papa. After knowing about CANCER, he lost interest in everything he did or loved. It is said, that  being HOPEFUL is very important to get well. I wanted papa to have hope. And the only way to ensure was to keep him motivated and inspired. To do that, I started reading motivational stories to him. I joined forums, groups for CANCER SURVIVOR and would read out their stories to him. Sometimes he believed and looked very positive and at times he would just give up.

While in hospital, after few months of treatment, one day papa asked me, if I could get him a vaccine to help him end his life. I din't know how to react? It shattered me. I never felt so weak. I was furious. "Papa, i want you to live”, I said. After that day, he never asked. But he became quite- very quite as if he was counting his remaining days.

Papa tried hard, very hard- did everything he could do to be with me- with us. But, but - life doesn't ask you. It teaches you. As against to the doctor's predictions, papa lived for 11months …Though he lost the battle but he is still my hero. And continues to live in my heart. I am so proud of you, PAPA.

Love you, PAPA.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Pain in my veins

Papa always said, it is important to forget your past and move ahead. That ways you not only give your best efforts but also make beautiful memories to look back. Had, he been here...he would have been absolutely disappointed to see me..

I am mad. I am angry. I am sad. I feel guilty. My so called friends never came . I feel betrayed. My world has fallen apart. 

Its almost a year, jus 20 days short from his departure. For me,  It was only yesterday when he was here...! I have to close my eyes and their he is...smiling, asking, scolding, playing, writing and reciting his poems( the best was RAMAYANA, I love it!). 

Even after 11 months,  I am still - where I started. Hours into days. Days into weeks.Weeks into months. Months into years. But my pain never seems to calm down.

Life hurts more then death!

Love you PAPA!

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Happy Birthday to you!

It's  5th October, today you would have been 72 years.  But you went away...

Happy Birthday Papa!

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Papa
Happy birthday to you….

I know, I have been naughty at times and didn't listen to you. But not celebrating your birthday with me is the worse punishment. I miss you papa! 

To the BEST father in the world,…A ghazal from your favorite ghazal maestro…Ghulam Ali Saheb!

Chup Ke Chup Ke Raat Din, Aansu Bahaana Yaad Hai
Ham Ko Ab Tak Aashiqi Ka, Vo Zamaana Yaad Hai

Khinch Lena Vo Mera Parde Ka Kona Baf-A-Tan
Aur Dupatte Men Vo Tera, Munh Chhupaana Yaad Hai
Chup Ke Chup Ke ............

Berukhi Ke Saath Sun Na Dard-E-Dil Ki Daasataan
Voh Kalaai Men Tera, Kangan Ghumana Yaad Hai
Vaqt-E-Rukhsat Alavida Ka Lafz Kah Ne Ke Liye
Vo Tere Sookhe Labon Ka Thar-Tharaana Yaad Hai
Chup Ke Chup Ke ............

Chori Chori Ham Se Tum Aakar Mile The Jis Jagah
Muddatein Guzarin Par Ab Tak Vo Thikaana Yaad Hai
Chup Ke Chup Ke ............

Dopahar Ki Dhoop Men Mere Bulaane Ke Liye
Vo Chhajje Par Tera Nange Paanv Aana Yaad Hai
Chup Ke Chup Ke ............

Tujh Se Milate Hi Vo Bebaaq Ho Jaana Mera 
Aur Tera Daanton Men Vo Ungali Dabaana Yaad Hai
Chup Ke Chup Ke ............

Tujh Ko Jab Tanha Kabhi Paana To Azraah-E-Lihaaz 
Haal-E-Dil Baaton Hi Baaton Men Jataana Yaad Hai 
Chup Ke Chup Ke ............

Aa Gaya Agar Vasl Ki Shab Bhi Kahin Ziqr-E-Firaq
Vo Teraa Ro Ro Ke Bhi Mujh Ko Rulaana Yaad Hai
Chup Ke Chup Ke …………


Hope you enjoyed it. I am waiting for my treat Papa!

Love you Bapu!