26October, its here again.....

Two years ago this day, my father was cruelly snatched away from me by cancer. Though, I knew it -but it was very difficut to accept and till date it is. And I don't know how long will it take.....

In these, two years life has been so difficult, never a single moment has passed when I haven't missed him.

Papa, I love you and miss you. But I know you are here with me, always and forever.

                                        (5October 1942- Forever...)

Picture from the last vacation we had....

P.S: I Love you, Papa

Alternative Treatment - Cancer

When papa was diagnosed with cancer, I was sure that he would emerge as a winner. I was confident, chemotherapy would do the necessary justice- but as time passed and nothing seem to work, I became desperate-more desperate. At that point of time, I was ready to try any treatment that would give some relief to papa.

Since I was a part of lot of forums and would read extensively, I found a few alternative treatments- that may or may not be helpful. But, I feel they are worth sharing, may be it heps someone.

 Most of these treatment have no proof and generally play no role in curing cancer, but they do provide some relief in dealing with the signs and symptoms as a result of cancer and the treatment.

Honestly speaking my father din't  or couldn't try these treatmets becasue of the weakness and his lack of desire to work on something which would not bring results( he was diagnosed on the advanced stage)

But one thing, that I felt really helped was music. Secondly, Lavender oil  helped him relax and sleep a bit( otherwise because of the pain, he could not sleep).

Most of these treatments- It is better to take help from professionals to begin- in order to mantain a balance between the traditional treament and the alternative treament.

Alternative treatment, which I personally feel are quite helpful ( some of them which as a caretaker- helped me to relieve my anxiety and stress)

Meditation:  The safest form of alternative treament. The patient can practice himself for 2-4minutes twice a day without any help from anyone.

Music Therapy:  The best I found. It helped in relieving pain and controlling nausea and  vomitting.  Music can be of any kind. Nowadays many hospital have trained staff to help the patients.

Massage(s):  Massages are found to be especially helpful in relieving pain, stress.  It helps you to relieve anxiety, fatigue and induces relaxation. 

People with cancer in bones have to be careful, while applying pressure.  

People with low blood counts should avoid any kind of massages. 

People with tumors, radiation treatments and  with scars should be extra careful while taking massages

Excercise : Through excercise, many signs and symptoms can be managed during the course of treatment. Regular excercise can help reduce stress and relieve fatigue and to an extent control insomnia.

Acupuncture: Basically a technique in which the trained specialist will insert tiny needles at particular sites on the body. This technique is extremely helpful in controlling pain and nausea as a result of cancer ( or treatment).

Patients who have low blood count or who are taking blood thinners should  consult the doctor before starting any such treatment.

Aromatherapy: Use of  different kinds of oils to relax the mind and the body. People with breast cancer should consult the doctor before using any kind of oil.

Yoga:  Includes stretching excercise with deep breathing. There many kinds of yoga. Yoga may provide some relief in stress for people with cancer. People who practise yoga regularly have shown sign of improved sleep pattern and reduction in fatigue.

Relaxation Techniques: Are said to help the patient by helping them by focus their attention on calming the mind and relaxing the muscles. These techniques help in reducing the anxiety and sleep better.

These tecniques are absolutely safe. With little gudence from the therapist - the patient will be able to do the techniques by himself in few days. 

All through my blog, I have repeatedly said that believe in your doctor. Nothing can replace the doctor. While most of the techniques mentioned above can be easily practised at home-but still I am saying before starting any of the above, meet the specialist- he will guide you through.  After all you are fighting CANCER- and we dont want to take risk. Your life is precious- value it, Love it!

I love you, Papa

Happy Fathers Day !!

Everyday Hero- Doctor treating papa!

For many of you reading my blog, may find it repetitive. But than that's how it had been. For 11 months my routine was same. Nothing new happened. Everyday was long and painful. Time wouldn't just move.

Every single day of my life, I lived in the fear- what if next moment is the moment. I was always in alert mode even in my sleep. Seeing him collapse was not easy, but I kept faith in god. For me my god was the doctor treating papa.

The doctor ( I will refer him as Mr. SSR)  treating my father is one of the nicest man, I know. Such a humble soul. I still remember the last time, papa was in hospital- Mr. SSR came to meet him and he held my dad's face in hand and said - "you will soon get better, then come to meet me".

When papa (at 1:15am, 26 October 2013) left - I messaged him. And he replied almost immediately. I take this platform to thank you. I will always remember your kindness. May you be blessed with best in life.

For me my father meant a world, anyone who had been good to him- will always find me next to him/her anytime - anywhere! they just have say and i will be there.

Love you PAPA! 

Illuminated Memories

22nd October 2013. Few days left to Diwali, people were busy cleaning and decorating their houses with flowers and colorful lights. Market abuzz with women and children shopping, festivities in the air. Oh! it felt so good- not anymore.

At my home- life had lost its meaning. Everyday was just the same. The sun came up but had no brightness. And then it went down.  Even the air that entered my home had lost its fragrance. The roses that my father had raised with love over the years had started dying as if they knew the known but unsaid.

The room which once was filled with giggling sounds had become so gloomy and dark. The chair which once was forever occupied by papa( and nobody could make papa leave his chair- not even a fight with mom) now became my constant companion. The newspaper for  which I fought everyday with papa now lay unread for days.  The bed, which papa was the first one to leave every morning now became his world. And their, I sat watching papa depart- never to come back.

Rightly is said, it's the circumstances that decide our happiness. Diwali had always been my favorite festival. It always brought so good memories with it. I loved everything about it- the aura, the feel, the mild winters, scent of earthen diyas, sweet smell of flowers and the lights . I love colorful lights. I hate darkness. Every year papa would buy different lighting accessorize and then me and papa would put the lights.

Every evening, I would  switch on the lights and at night papa would switch off the lights. The twinkling of colored lights...I am so fond of it. I would joke, Laxmi ji will not be able to find her way to our home. And papa would say, laxmi ji can come in the morning, let her also sleep she must be tired. ( I miss you papa!)

The sweets, the food- ma and papa made, I was the first one to be served. It felt so good. Papa always said, I looked exactly like my granny(dadi) and my mom was very close to my granny-  I was the special one! And now...... I wait! Where are you papa?

Diwali will never be the same again. 

Without you Papa, celebrations are worthless and happiness is incomplete. 

Love you PAPA!

The Last week

By this time last year, papa never woke up..he just lay in the bed lifeless. I would sit next to him in the hope that he would wake up. But now he never opened his eyes. He never smiled. He never looked at me.The morphine patches kept papa drowsy the whole day.

Every now and then, me and my mother would moisten papa’s dry lips. His pain was unbearable.The pain killers were no help. Allopathy din't help. Homeopathy was not helping. Ayurveda was not helping. Nothing was working. The doctor advised morphine patches. Usually patients are advised to take oral morphine, or through injection.But papa was too weak to  swallow…and injection I din’t want. 

I used to buy these morphine patches from the hospital…I was giving my own father morphine. Yes, the addictive drug- Morphine. It is not a pain killer but keeps the patient drowsy all the time and  he becomes  oblivious to his pain. Papa now was unconscious all time.  I prayed every single moment , that his suffering should end….and I  wished that he fades  …I am sorry papa, what a bad bad baby I have been.

Love you PAPA!

Papa and Me!

Time just flew away, in a week …it will be a year. And I remember, how I counted minutes in the hospital room. A few minutes felt like days….and with a whole year gone by. I missed you everyday papa in everything I did.

Today I am sharing, what it was like to be your daughter….

• You were my best friend. I could always discuss with you anything and everything
• You treated me as a princess. You believed in me and my opinion was always counted.
• Like any teenager, I too had arguments with mumma and you knew just how to handle the 2 women you loved.
• You knew exactly, what to say and when. You knew where to begin and how to end.
• You trusted me completely and never questioned any of my decisions and the choices I made.
• You gave me the freedom to choose and live the choices. But you were there always behind me to support, If ever I may fall.
• You were always there for me. No matter when and where I was, you was always there.
• During my growing years, I too had arguments with you, but you always took time to explain and listen.

And lastly, I can say that  I have( you are always my papa) the BEST FATHER…in the whole world

To you PAPA( Lovely Song by Barbara Streisand that exactly conveys my feelings)

God, our Heavenly Father
Oh, God and my father
Who is also in heaven

May the light of this flickering candle
Illuminate the night the way
Your spirit illuminates my soul

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa, can you find me in the night?

Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me, not be frightened?

Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes
Which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday

Has waved good-bye and closed its doors?

The night is so much darker
The wind is so much colder

The world I see is so much bigger

Now that I'm alone

Papa, please forgive me

Try to understand me
Papa, don't you know I had no choice?

Can you hear me praying?

Anything I'm saying?
Even though the night
Is filled with voices

I remember everything you taught me
Every book I've ever read
Can all the words in all the books

Help me to face what lies ahead?

The trees are so much taller

And I feel so much smaller
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright

Papa, how I love you
Papa, how I need you
Papa, how I miss you

Love U Papa!

Move on

My father was diagnosed with cancer in November 2012. After fighting with CANCER with all his strength and courage for nearly 10 months. He left us all on 26 October 2013. Everybody said "to move on", but..... i am yet to .... I love my father too much to "move on"....may be someday i will or may be not....

In memory of my father...

I am my daddy’s little girl, 

I have always been and will always be

He said, he loved me in a million ways

More then anything else in the world

As, I grew -for him his baby

He gave me what i desired- My love

With tears in his eyes and smile on his lips

He gave me away to be a part of a different world

Life had many ups and down, 

But he was there to hold my hand

And guide me through

With love and care, always

When I became a mother

He was there, to welcome my princess

And once again he said, 

In million ways I LOVE YOU my grandchild

And, now that he is  gone

I miss him, I wish he was here

To see the grief, when he is not coming back

Tears in my eyes and void in my heart

My love for him lives on

He is with me and always will be

I promise to love him

Until we meet again

Love you papa!

Letter to Papa

Date: 26August 2014

Dear Papa,

Good Morning!

Today, its has been 10 months since i last saw you,  spoke to you or heard you call me “beti”. Nobody calls me like this anymore. It feels like it has been ages since we sat together.  I am heart broken. I miss you.  

I miss the morning “masala tea”, that you would make. I miss, you reading me the news paper headlines  and the long discussion that followed. I miss, when you would call me every morning ( after i got married) just to ask me “how am i?"

There has been not a single day, when i haven’t missed you since you left. I always imagine what would it be like, had you been here. At family gatherings or functions, i  always think of what you would have said or done.

Do you remember the time when you would teach me Maths. I am still not good at Maths. There are so many other things for which i need your advice.  You left so soon. I am so lost. Now i don’t have anyone to guide me they way you did.

You left suddenly, I am still in shock. I cannot believe It has happened to me. Though, in the last few months, I was able to spend some time with you.  But thats not enough. I wanted more time. There is so much i needed to learn from you. Although, I  consider myself fortunate to be part of some really beautiful moments. But it hurts and when the pain gets unbearable, memories are my only way out. I look at your photos, videos and hear to your sound i recorded when you were here. And i feel better.  

I  regret for not paying attention to your declining health. I regret for not praying enough for your recovery. I am sorry, papa. But now i pray for you everyday. That is the only thing i can do now. Initially I would cry a lot. I still sometimes do. But then i think,  why should i cry for you, when you are always with me, watching me, taking care of me like you always did (though i can’t see you anymore). It must be hard on you to see me  shattered ( as you never liked me crying). I will not cry anymore. 

I miss you, papa for nobody pampers me like the way you did. You were always proud of me. I know, I was your favorite child (I remember you sneaking me extra pocket money and instructing me not to tell chotu bhai and mota bhai) and always will be. You will always be there for me no matter where you are. And I love you for that.

I want to say thank you for loving me, taking care of me, encouraging me to bring the best in me  and above all for being my “Bapu”.

Love you papa,

Ur Beti

I love you....Papa!

I love you, Papa

I don’t know , where you are

May be not far, Somewhere near

I love you, Papa

for being so gentle, and kind

For being caring and loving

I love you, Papa

For giving me life, giving me love

You gave me smile, You gave me time

I love you, Papa

For being there for me, when i needed you

And when I needed you most

I love you, Papa

For teaching me wrong and right

For supporting me at every step

I love you, Papa

For letting me fall, 

And being there to hold me stand tall

I love you, Papa

For the freedom to be me,

For being the friend, that i cherish 

I love you, Papa

No matter where you are

With me, or somewhere else

I love you, Papa

For being my papa precious

Today, tomorrow and forever....!

Chapter 3 - Lesson learnt from Papa’s cancer journey

Papa's tryst with cancer began in Nov2012 ( that’s when we came to know about it). The diagnosis came as a shock. How can it be? How is it possible? A person so healthy, disciplined, health conscious. In the days followed, I began to realize that life will never be the same again.

Though papa, left us in October 2013. But we are still living in the nightmare. Though the pain papa was enduring might have come to end. But we are still suffering and the pain only grows! The pain of his absence.

Papa, still lives with us in his smile, calm, and the values he taught us. And I wish to keep him alive by living upto the values he taught us. Those 10months, of papa's cancer journey taught me many things. Few i am sharing here, so that nobody suffers like me.

If you are not feeling well for a long time, don’t ignore. Visit a doctor immediately.

Looking back, papa was showing symptoms for months- fatigue, loss of appetite, abdominal pain. They were all signs. He was visiting this doctor. The doctor kept on giving him medication for urinary infection. We took another opinion, the doctor suggested to take kidney Xray. But everything was all rite. 

But the symptoms persisted. We decided to have ultrasound of stomach. The doctor shared his doubts of presences of stones in the gall bladder.

The next step was to get the gall stones removed as early as possible. The operation  for removal of stones  was scheduled for 30th November 2012.  I was waiting outside the OT. The doctor came out within  5minutes and gave us the shock of our lives. Papa has Gall bladder Cancer Stage 4 Type B. He din’t have much time( in best scenario  9months) but he has to go.

Don’t feel guilty, try to make the most of the time, you have got

In the past few years, i was so busy with my daughter, husband and work that i hardly spent time with papa. After the diagnosis, which came as a major blow.I wanted to do so much and the time was very less. But i planned, started working on my to do list.

My brother had recently bought a new house in Mumbai, i wanted papa to see it. We went to Mumbai.
Though papa spent most of his time at home. But he saw my brother’s home and was very proud.We also went to a re-known hospital in Mumbai( Visit to the hospital turned out to be a complete sham) The doctors and hospital were money oriented. 

We celebrated my parents 42nd and last wedding anniversary. We went to Lansdowne. Papa stayed in the resort all through the trip. But in the early morning,he would sit in balcony.

After years,  me and my younger brother celebrated our birthdays with papa. He smiled, He clapped and blessed us.

I took papa to a hindi movie of his favorite actress- Deepika padukone, which he enjoyed.

5th October, it was papa’s 71st birthday, we wanted to make memories of a lifetime. We celebrated his last birthday with us. He had stopped eating completely except for a heap of pain killers thrice a day. 

It was 24th October, Karvachauth, Mom fasted, she got his favorite sweet. Cancer has reached to the mouth - the last stage.   He loved sweets, after months of not eating anything,  he had a small piece.

A day after,  Papa went away

Give time to the person to handle cancer in his/her own way.

I am very proud of my father. He tried his best to overcome the disease. Results were good in the first quarter of treatment. On 14th Feb2013, the results of his first cycle of treatment came. There was 20% improvement in his health. I smiled and went running to papa.  Now we had that silver lining that we have been looking for. We became hopeful. This was the last time i saw papa smiling.

Don't hesitate to show that you care

When some one you love has cancer. Show him that you care. Take active part in his care. In the months to come, papa’s health started to decline. Cancer has reached in bones. And his back bone became porous and crumbled. He became bedridden. All of us came around and took turns to be with papa.

The once so lively room, turned in a gloomy hospital room. Medicines, IVFluids, Injections, water bed, wheel chair replaced the furniture.

We all tried our best to smile for him and keep a positive attitude. Papa supported us too by believing in our faith. He happily went through chemotherapy, radiation therapy jus to make us happy. 

Don’t hesitate to say “I LOVE U”

Even after papa was diagnosed with cancer. His strength and the struggle to hold on to life was remarkable. He refused to give up.  The urge to live was so strong that it gives us inspiration till today. I would call myself fortunate to be able to spend time with him in his final day and tell him “ he was loved”. We all were with him on the night he passed away, 26th October2013.

Love you papa! You are the best!