Illuminated Memories

22nd October 2013. Few days left to Diwali, people were busy cleaning and decorating their houses with flowers and colorful lights. Market abuzz with women and children shopping, festivities in the air. Oh! it felt so good- not anymore.

At my home- life had lost its meaning. Everyday was just the same. The sun came up but had no brightness. And then it went down.  Even the air that entered my home had lost its fragrance. The roses that my father had raised with love over the years had started dying as if they knew the known but unsaid.

The room which once was filled with giggling sounds had become so gloomy and dark. The chair which once was forever occupied by papa( and nobody could make papa leave his chair- not even a fight with mom) now became my constant companion. The newspaper for  which I fought everyday with papa now lay unread for days.  The bed, which papa was the first one to leave every morning now became his world. And their, I sat watching papa depart- never to come back.

Rightly is said, it's the circumstances that decide our happiness. Diwali had always been my favorite festival. It always brought so good memories with it. I loved everything about it- the aura, the feel, the mild winters, scent of earthen diyas, sweet smell of flowers and the lights . I love colorful lights. I hate darkness. Every year papa would buy different lighting accessorize and then me and papa would put the lights.

Every evening, I would  switch on the lights and at night papa would switch off the lights. The twinkling of colored lights...I am so fond of it. I would joke, Laxmi ji will not be able to find her way to our home. And papa would say, laxmi ji can come in the morning, let her also sleep she must be tired. ( I miss you papa!)

The sweets, the food- ma and papa made, I was the first one to be served. It felt so good. Papa always said, I looked exactly like my granny(dadi) and my mom was very close to my granny-  I was the special one! And now...... I wait! Where are you papa?

Diwali will never be the same again. 

Without you Papa, celebrations are worthless and happiness is incomplete. 

Love you PAPA!

Papa and the web

The next morning , the doctors came. I had spoken to her about a node behind papa’s ear. It looked like swelling but papa said it was painful. 

The doctor pricked the needle once, twice, thrice.... Papa screamed in pain. My very strong father was screaming " to stop". My mom could see no more. So she asked to stop.

The doctor said, aunty if we won't check how will we prescribe the medicine. I believe the doctors know before  us- the time has arrived. Then prescribing medicine to a person who is.....

I took my father not for some research. I knew nothing will help. I knew he was going. I just wanted some pain-less moments.

I am sorry papa.

Love you PAPA!

Papa spoke for the last time !

October 2013 -Last year, today papa returned from the hospital for the last time. 

It was 14th October. And its was the 11th month-more then what doctors had predicted. Deep inside, I was fearing for the dreadful.

Papa’s condition was continuously deteriorating. He hadn’t opened his eyes for the last whole week. I grew worried and again, my heart won over my mind. I decided to admit papa to the hospital. Papa had no say. Mom agreed reluctantly. An ambulance was called. Papa was admitted.  He was put on IV immediately-but it was only to make up for the food he din’t have food since Sept. The doctors had already given up. I could do nothing except for praying.

Papa opened his eyes and he spoke to me. After months of waiting- I was so happy. I wanted to talk and talk. But he was too weak to speak. He would take long pauses.  But I was very happy ( and  I can say I was  really happy because I felt something really deep inside). My hopes again brightened- a miracle would happen.

I recorded his voice for the last time. He said, “ I have to go, I will always be around you”. 

Love you, PAPA!