In my faith, Keep trying

Today I am restless…very restless, but then i have been restless for months now. What is that bothering me…why am i sad? Why sadness has become a part of my routine? whenever, I am alone, tears just make their way, irrespective of what i am doing… walking, driving, waiting …or watching a show... I haven’t laughed for months now…and it has been months since i have slept peacefully. 

The  question remains same, why did PAPA leave us…he was only 71yrs ( and 70 when detected with CANCER). He could have lived for more few years.he was a healthy and fit person…And I know..he would have easily made it for at least 10 more years. Had it not been CANCER…

I keep on looking for answers..but after 21months… i am still searching answers... searching for peace...I am not sure, If i will ever find answers, but I am trying to....at least be at peace

Yesterday, my husband said..and not only him ..but many others have come up to me and said...…I should not have gone ahead with “chemotherapy”?…I only increased his( papa's) pain…and suffering! Have I?

Have I, I have asked myself? ..a thousand times...May be …May be, I have! But then…What if, chemotherapy would have worked….recently i came across a documentary, which says.. only in 3% of the cases, chemotherapy works. What if,  Papa- was one of those 3% fortunate people. He would have been a survivor!. 

A survivor, how good it feels even to think about it. In retrospect, if not trying, what should I have done, see him suffering or waited for "yama" to come and take papa... even without trying! and live with the guilt of not even doing "that" something, he deserved, that gave me a hope, gave him a hope ....you can call me selfish, but I could have no way let papa go... just like that. He was the person, who told me the story of the spider, who fell 7 times, but still kept trying until she succeeded in climbing.

On the other hand, haven't we heard, God helps only those who help themselves.We should have faith in god.... but how will god help, if I just sit and wait...this is not the age of miracles ...no magic is happening, lord shiva is not coming on earth and take away the sufferings....I have to help myself...help papa to overcome the demon( cancer). My faith is my karma..

Now, for all those who feel, against my decision of taking papa to the hospital for treatment, my question is? Do we stop our children from learning to walk, because they may get hurt? or don't we hurt each other by saying terrible things and are still together. Or, for fear of loss, should we stop trying? Do we not teach our children, keep trying!. Is the word “try(ing)" only meant for our convenience, use it whenever we want and discard, because it may cause pain. Are we not responsible for teaching our children, the most valuable lesson of life…..”keep trying until you succeed”….when Pythagorus, La-places’s theorem will not help…trying will help, having faith in your karma will help!

To summarize, I am quoting Buddha

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace

And for me that word is at least I “TRY(ied). Keeping alive in my faith, Trying is the first step of winning, I will keep TRYING, after that……..may be "I am at peace"

Love you PAPA!

Chapter 3 - Lesson learnt from Papa’s cancer journey

Papa's tryst with cancer began in Nov2012 ( that’s when we came to know about it). The diagnosis came as a shock. How can it be? How is it possible? A person so healthy, disciplined, health conscious. In the days followed, I began to realize that life will never be the same again.

Though papa, left us in October 2013. But we are still living in the nightmare. Though the pain papa was enduring might have come to end. But we are still suffering and the pain only grows! The pain of his absence.

Papa, still lives with us in his smile, calm, and the values he taught us. And I wish to keep him alive by living upto the values he taught us. Those 10months, of papa's cancer journey taught me many things. Few i am sharing here, so that nobody suffers like me.

If you are not feeling well for a long time, don’t ignore. Visit a doctor immediately.

Looking back, papa was showing symptoms for months- fatigue, loss of appetite, abdominal pain. They were all signs. He was visiting this doctor. The doctor kept on giving him medication for urinary infection. We took another opinion, the doctor suggested to take kidney Xray. But everything was all rite. 

But the symptoms persisted. We decided to have ultrasound of stomach. The doctor shared his doubts of presences of stones in the gall bladder.

The next step was to get the gall stones removed as early as possible. The operation  for removal of stones  was scheduled for 30th November 2012.  I was waiting outside the OT. The doctor came out within  5minutes and gave us the shock of our lives. Papa has Gall bladder Cancer Stage 4 Type B. He din’t have much time( in best scenario  9months) but he has to go.

Don’t feel guilty, try to make the most of the time, you have got

In the past few years, i was so busy with my daughter, husband and work that i hardly spent time with papa. After the diagnosis, which came as a major blow.I wanted to do so much and the time was very less. But i planned, started working on my to do list.

My brother had recently bought a new house in Mumbai, i wanted papa to see it. We went to Mumbai.
Though papa spent most of his time at home. But he saw my brother’s home and was very proud.We also went to a re-known hospital in Mumbai( Visit to the hospital turned out to be a complete sham) The doctors and hospital were money oriented. 

We celebrated my parents 42nd and last wedding anniversary. We went to Lansdowne. Papa stayed in the resort all through the trip. But in the early morning,he would sit in balcony.

After years,  me and my younger brother celebrated our birthdays with papa. He smiled, He clapped and blessed us.

I took papa to a hindi movie of his favorite actress- Deepika padukone, which he enjoyed.

5th October, it was papa’s 71st birthday, we wanted to make memories of a lifetime. We celebrated his last birthday with us. He had stopped eating completely except for a heap of pain killers thrice a day. 

It was 24th October, Karvachauth, Mom fasted, she got his favorite sweet. Cancer has reached to the mouth - the last stage.   He loved sweets, after months of not eating anything,  he had a small piece.

A day after,  Papa went away

Give time to the person to handle cancer in his/her own way.

I am very proud of my father. He tried his best to overcome the disease. Results were good in the first quarter of treatment. On 14th Feb2013, the results of his first cycle of treatment came. There was 20% improvement in his health. I smiled and went running to papa.  Now we had that silver lining that we have been looking for. We became hopeful. This was the last time i saw papa smiling.

Don't hesitate to show that you care

When some one you love has cancer. Show him that you care. Take active part in his care. In the months to come, papa’s health started to decline. Cancer has reached in bones. And his back bone became porous and crumbled. He became bedridden. All of us came around and took turns to be with papa.

The once so lively room, turned in a gloomy hospital room. Medicines, IVFluids, Injections, water bed, wheel chair replaced the furniture.

We all tried our best to smile for him and keep a positive attitude. Papa supported us too by believing in our faith. He happily went through chemotherapy, radiation therapy jus to make us happy. 

Don’t hesitate to say “I LOVE U”

Even after papa was diagnosed with cancer. His strength and the struggle to hold on to life was remarkable. He refused to give up.  The urge to live was so strong that it gives us inspiration till today. I would call myself fortunate to be able to spend time with him in his final day and tell him “ he was loved”. We all were with him on the night he passed away, 26th October2013.

Love you papa! You are the best!