In my faith, Keep trying

Today I am restless…very restless, but then i have been restless for months now. What is that bothering me…why am i sad? Why sadness has become a part of my routine? whenever, I am alone, tears just make their way, irrespective of what i am doing… walking, driving, waiting …or watching a show... I haven’t laughed for months now…and it has been months since i have slept peacefully. 

The  question remains same, why did PAPA leave us…he was only 71yrs ( and 70 when detected with CANCER). He could have lived for more few years.he was a healthy and fit person…And I know..he would have easily made it for at least 10 more years. Had it not been CANCER…

I keep on looking for answers..but after 21months… i am still searching answers... searching for peace...I am not sure, If i will ever find answers, but I am trying to....at least be at peace

Yesterday, my husband said..and not only him ..but many others have come up to me and said...…I should not have gone ahead with “chemotherapy”?…I only increased his( papa's) pain…and suffering! Have I?

Have I, I have asked myself? ..a thousand times...May be …May be, I have! But then…What if, chemotherapy would have worked….recently i came across a documentary, which says.. only in 3% of the cases, chemotherapy works. What if,  Papa- was one of those 3% fortunate people. He would have been a survivor!. 

A survivor, how good it feels even to think about it. In retrospect, if not trying, what should I have done, see him suffering or waited for "yama" to come and take papa... even without trying! and live with the guilt of not even doing "that" something, he deserved, that gave me a hope, gave him a hope ....you can call me selfish, but I could have no way let papa go... just like that. He was the person, who told me the story of the spider, who fell 7 times, but still kept trying until she succeeded in climbing.

On the other hand, haven't we heard, God helps only those who help themselves.We should have faith in god.... but how will god help, if I just sit and wait...this is not the age of miracles ...no magic is happening, lord shiva is not coming on earth and take away the sufferings....I have to help myself...help papa to overcome the demon( cancer). My faith is my karma..

Now, for all those who feel, against my decision of taking papa to the hospital for treatment, my question is? Do we stop our children from learning to walk, because they may get hurt? or don't we hurt each other by saying terrible things and are still together. Or, for fear of loss, should we stop trying? Do we not teach our children, keep trying!. Is the word “try(ing)" only meant for our convenience, use it whenever we want and discard, because it may cause pain. Are we not responsible for teaching our children, the most valuable lesson of life…..”keep trying until you succeed”….when Pythagorus, La-places’s theorem will not help…trying will help, having faith in your karma will help!

To summarize, I am quoting Buddha

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace

And for me that word is at least I “TRY(ied). Keeping alive in my faith, Trying is the first step of winning, I will keep TRYING, after that……..may be "I am at peace"

Love you PAPA!