Memories of my Future!

By the time October arrived, Papa would sleep ( or lay unconscious) for  as long as 22 hrs, barely opening his eyes now and then for few seconds. 

There was no sign of life, except for his belly moving up and down. No movement absolutely. And, for the few moments, he opened his yellow(ed) eyes.  I could see JAUNDICE had set in. The last stage of the process of his fading….soon papa will live in my memory. How bad it felt..no one can feel. And those who say, I understand- just lie.

All through, my father's fight with CANCER, the only respite I had, for the few seconds when papa opened his eyes, he always recognized everyone around him. Lots of my cousins, uncles, aunts and neighbors came to visit him almost everyday. He recognized all of the them. Even till his last breath. Cancer did not affect his memory. 

Talking about his memory, once my mother and brother had gone to bank for some work. At the counter, my mother handed over a cheque. The counter clerk, said- Aunty there is no balance in your account. My mother and brother were surprised, how is it possible that papa, did not realize that the account had no balance and he issued a cheque. They started walking back. It is impossible, if papa is saying than account will have balance" My brother had just concluded the sentence. When the clerk came calling from behind, i am SORRY madam, it was my mistake your account does have money.

At times, my mother would forget where she had kept her things, but papa always remembered. Even the smallest thing, he would tell you exactly where it has been kept.

My husband often says, that I derive pleasure from looking at my old and worn out things . He adds, that I spend a lot of my energy and time in storing them and then taking them out to just look at them. My version is, all the things I keep have memories behind them. And I DON’T like forgetting or parting with my things or anything that matters to me. They make me SMILE, and keep me attached to where i belong. They are the souvenirs of my past and help me to create a beautiful history for tomorrow.

During those 11 months, the memories me and my father made - his courage, his fighting spirit,  the things he said and did, - are my best treasures. These "memories" are much more precious than any valuables. Whatever I am today, it is because of him. He gave me the best gift of life…the ATTITUDE to CHANGE for good and only good. And nothing beats that!

Holding on to his memories, I am walking forward... still living in the time left behind.

Love you PAPA!

Move on

My father was diagnosed with cancer in November 2012. After fighting with CANCER with all his strength and courage for nearly 10 months. He left us all on 26 October 2013. Everybody said "to move on", but..... i am yet to .... I love my father too much to "move on"....may be someday i will or may be not....

In memory of my father...

I am my daddy’s little girl, 

I have always been and will always be

He said, he loved me in a million ways

More then anything else in the world

As, I grew -for him his baby

He gave me what i desired- My love

With tears in his eyes and smile on his lips

He gave me away to be a part of a different world

Life had many ups and down, 

But he was there to hold my hand

And guide me through

With love and care, always

When I became a mother

He was there, to welcome my princess

And once again he said, 

In million ways I LOVE YOU my grandchild

And, now that he is  gone

I miss him, I wish he was here

To see the grief, when he is not coming back

Tears in my eyes and void in my heart

My love for him lives on

He is with me and always will be

I promise to love him

Until we meet again

Love you papa!

Flashback

During the last few days when papa was very sick, he would often tell me what a good baby i have been....he was so proud of me...and i would wonder have i been?...the answer comes from within...NO.

In flashback when i think, in the past few years i was so busy with studies, job, my husband, my daughter..i didn't spend much time with him.  He would call me daily, though just for a minute and ask me the same question- How am I?  

Now I so urge that he ask me the same question, and he is no where. We as a kid are so selfish that we don't realise the importance of our parents. Had i spent a little more time with him, I would have known that he was not getting old but was fading.

I am an Asthamatic, I would get attacks at night, ..i remember, once when i had an attack...my first major attack after arriving in Delhi..I had to be hospitalized in the night itself.. i always wanted a play doctor set..that evening my father visited me in the hospital with the play-set.

When i returned, from hospital he would check several times at night if i was breathing. That was my papa for me. The best father in the world!

I will always be my father's baby,  even when a few years ago i became a mother to a princess myself.  I was very sick after my daughter's birth but the way papa took care of my daughter is unbelievable even when he himself was in his late sixties. I  would sleep peacefully, from feeding to changing nappy's papa has done all. 

For the first 2 years of her life meraaya was raised by my parents. Papa and Meraaya loved each other's company and in his company she learnt so many things so fast, as compared to other children's of her age. Papa would recite poems, teach her hindi( she picked up u se ullu) and maths( papa would consider himself a genius in maths, infact he was but we always made fun of him). And god only know what all she would eat with him....amla wafers, gulkand, apple murabba, Hingoli, Jeera goli, Anardana goli( she would se anar dana doli de do nanu) and the best -eating mangoes with hand. 

Things were perfect, and then papa left ..things changed forever ...in matter of months life is just not the same as it used to be. With papa gone, something inside me died that day -the zeal, the enthusiasm i had for life. I don't follow my passions anymore. I keep on running from myself. from one place to another...i try to keep myself so busy that i don't remember that one moment that changed our lives . I am always trying to get myself lost in a crowd that is unknown to me. If only i can find something that gives me peace.......!