My Grief, My Partner

Today, its been 11months since papa left us!

Dealing with loss can be difficult,  It becomes more difficult when you are with your loved one all through. I have always been very close to my father. But the bond we felt, while papa was undergoing treatment was different. There was a different kind of unity. We became each other’s support system. We just knew what to say to make  each other feel good. 

For months, my routine was same-  6:15a.m Wake up, call papa,and ask if he had any new problem(s) and pain(s). And then the fight to deal with that pain would start. Call doctors, visit doctor, arrange medicine. managing papa’s dosage…for hours, i used to be on phone. The day would end and then  would start again….

For me loosing my father was like, a plant uprooted from the ground. It is no rocket science to understand what happens when you loose your ground, how it feels. The day came, papa travelled to a place where he would be free of pain and sufferings…I should have been happy but I am not.

26, October 2013, the day is etched in my memory as the black day of my life. This date,  changed my views for life forever. I have stopped taking life for granted. I value life and people around me more. But I am yet to overcome my grief, my loss. My days still are a combination of pain, shock, anger, bargain, fear, depression...

Pain: Moments after papa left, I was numb. I could not feel. I was just expecting, papa to get up and talk to me. But he didn't ....he was gone!

Shock : Initial 3 days after papa went, I couldn’t cry. My heart  refused to accept that it has happened to me. I was shocked…from the day when papa was detected with cancer…to hours before he left, I maintained this feeling that a miracle will happen and papa will be fine. 

Anger: I am still angry at myself. Why din’t I pay attention to papa’s  declining weight. Why didn’t I push him hard to visit a good hospital. I was his most loved child. I betrayed my father. And he had to pay the price by his life.

Bargain: For months, I would pray to god, that I will do anything If he returns my father. My days are still spent in believing that one day he will return to me…

Fear: I suffer panic attacks. I constantly live under fear, as regarding my own life,  health  of people I love and my responsibilities . 

Depression: 30, November, 2012, 10:30am, when doctor came out of the Operation Theatre, and declared that, papa cannot be operated because the cancer has spread to other body parts….It hit me hard…I cried …and I cried till papa left us. Papa left us, after three days I cried again, and I am still crying…..nothing excites me anymore, day are passing, but they are not so bright as they used to be…I am a part of them, but I am not living.

I am yet to find “something" that will help me to deal with papa’s going away. Though, I will never overcome my father’s fade out but some day I will learn to believe that, he is not physically with me but always around me….

Love you, Papa