My Grief, My Partner

Today, its been 11months since papa left us!

Dealing with loss can be difficult,  It becomes more difficult when you are with your loved one all through. I have always been very close to my father. But the bond we felt, while papa was undergoing treatment was different. There was a different kind of unity. We became each other’s support system. We just knew what to say to make  each other feel good. 

For months, my routine was same-  6:15a.m Wake up, call papa,and ask if he had any new problem(s) and pain(s). And then the fight to deal with that pain would start. Call doctors, visit doctor, arrange medicine. managing papa’s dosage…for hours, i used to be on phone. The day would end and then  would start again….

For me loosing my father was like, a plant uprooted from the ground. It is no rocket science to understand what happens when you loose your ground, how it feels. The day came, papa travelled to a place where he would be free of pain and sufferings…I should have been happy but I am not.

26, October 2013, the day is etched in my memory as the black day of my life. This date,  changed my views for life forever. I have stopped taking life for granted. I value life and people around me more. But I am yet to overcome my grief, my loss. My days still are a combination of pain, shock, anger, bargain, fear, depression...

Pain: Moments after papa left, I was numb. I could not feel. I was just expecting, papa to get up and talk to me. But he didn't ....he was gone!

Shock : Initial 3 days after papa went, I couldn’t cry. My heart  refused to accept that it has happened to me. I was shocked…from the day when papa was detected with cancer…to hours before he left, I maintained this feeling that a miracle will happen and papa will be fine. 

Anger: I am still angry at myself. Why din’t I pay attention to papa’s  declining weight. Why didn’t I push him hard to visit a good hospital. I was his most loved child. I betrayed my father. And he had to pay the price by his life.

Bargain: For months, I would pray to god, that I will do anything If he returns my father. My days are still spent in believing that one day he will return to me…

Fear: I suffer panic attacks. I constantly live under fear, as regarding my own life,  health  of people I love and my responsibilities . 

Depression: 30, November, 2012, 10:30am, when doctor came out of the Operation Theatre, and declared that, papa cannot be operated because the cancer has spread to other body parts….It hit me hard…I cried …and I cried till papa left us. Papa left us, after three days I cried again, and I am still crying…..nothing excites me anymore, day are passing, but they are not so bright as they used to be…I am a part of them, but I am not living.

I am yet to find “something" that will help me to deal with papa’s going away. Though, I will never overcome my father’s fade out but some day I will learn to believe that, he is not physically with me but always around me….

Love you, Papa

Rose Bud

For me writing has been always my passion....it is a medium that i vent out my feelings .good or bad..feeling happy and light without having to say a word!

This blog is not just a blog, its like i am painter and this blog is a canvas on which  i am painting my masterpiece...sometimes i will use bright color as red and some time pastels to show my state of mind. With patience and determination, i will create a piece of art- which will be a motivation to those around me and those who are away from me.

My father, always wanted me to write, and i always said...i will write papa...the day you become free of this daemon...and walk away as a "SURVIVOR", But nothing like this happened and the daemon took papa away, he left me behind on 26th October2013 and became a star- the brightest star - My PAPA!

I am writing for my father- who believed in me ( he always said - believe in yourself and things will be in your favor). He believed my lies, just like truths. He listened to my stories, just like a friend. 

He gave me choices, just  like a father would have. He gave me everything that i laid my hands on. With him around ..my hands were always full!

That one moment ( 1:20am, Saturday, 26October, 2013) - i felt i could not breathe. I wanted to hold my papa so tightly that i will never let him go. He was going ....he din't want to, I din't want him to...helpless and shattered, i stood there and he want away.

He din't deserve this. I always wanted his sufferings  to end! But...

And they did, he faded - moments after he was gone, i looked at his face-  it was so bright and calm as if nothing has ever happened. The scars, the bruises, swollen nerves left behind by months of chemotherapy and various tests just disappeared. He looked so peaceful as if he was fast asleep after a long tiring day and will just wake up! and call me"Beti".

My father was a very disciplined  and organized person especially when it came to health. Even after his retirement he maintained his disciplined routine. He was always a very happy and a contended man,  leading a very fulfilling life with his wife and his children and grandchild. Until tragedy struck and life came to a halt!  I lost my papa to CANCER( Gall Bladders cancer to be precise). 

I am not sharing all this because, I want to vent out the pain inside me. It will be there forever.  But i don't want anyone else to suffer like me. The pain, the anguish never goes but i am hoping things will be better.

In one of the finest CANCER hospital of India, where papa was treated, I saw this written 

                                          "If detected early, CANCER, can be cured"

I can never believe this, but in the hope that it will be true for someone. I want to use this blog as a medium to make people aware, so they don't go thorough the pain of loosing their loved one.
Miracles do happen, don't they ?

Be Aware, Be Careful and Stay Happy Always!